Crossing Cultures Respectfully
Despite all the social changes of the past few years, respect still retains highest priority status. For traditional Yucatecans, it is so important to not publicly offend, criticize, or be scornful of another person’s choices or lifestyle. In most families, Mamá is cherished and Papá is listened to with full attention. Children do not talk back cheekily to their parents or grandparents and elders are revered. Teachers are obeyed. Younger siblings are taken care of, neighbors’ idiosyncrasies are tolerated and passers-by are greeted in the streets – “Buenos días” or “Buenas tardes” is always murmured as one walks by.
When a person comes into a room, they greet everyone there – often with kisses and endearments. If two people are speaking and another person comes into the room, the conversation stops and the newcomer is acknowledged. If someone is having a party and you bring an extra person (or persons) – even without notifying your host, the extras are welcomed as though they were at the top of the guest list.
On the other hand, if respect is not shown, the absence is palpable.
In most places in North America or Europe, showing this over-the-top courtesy is not common and so newcomers to Merida may not think to extend it. Because some Yucatecans do not have a lot of experience with the social mores of other countries, they can easily be offended if the pleasantries are not forthcoming. It is difficult to know what exactly should be done, but the basic rule of thumb is that no one should be left alone in a crowd. If you are in a group, be sure everyone is greeted and introduced to everyone else present. If someone new comes into the room (even if they are, in fact, interrupting) they should be made to feel welcome. Inclusion is very important.
As guests in this country, we need to take a back seat sometimes. Yucatecans do not really appreciate our analysis of all that’s wrong with this city. We need to be very sensitive of what we say when native-born people are within earshot. I was at a party once and there was a group of foreign men loudly discussing the merits of the local supermarket…
“Why don’t ‘they’ have a properly equipped hardware section?” one fellow asked the others.
“I know what you mean, I was looking for 1¼ inch screws the other day, and do you think I could find them?” answered his buddy.
They continued to criticize the way the store was stocked, how poorly it was run, and then went on to complain how “hardly anyone speaks English”. My Yucatecan husband was not amused, and when we got into the car, he exploded,
“Who do those guys think they are? To start with most people who shop at that store don’t ever have need for 1¼ inch screws; they have workmen who buy them… at a hardware store! Secondly, we are on the metric system here, and thirdly, we speak Spanish in “this” country!”
I don’t think the men had any idea that they were being offensive, but Jorge would have nothing to do with them after that – ever, ever, ever!
Neither are Yucatecans at all interested in hearing about how products / services / schools / government / etc. “are better run back home”. I’ve known women who claim even Jello is “not as good” here! I’ve had it pointed out to me that Yucatecans themselves will often comment about inadequacies they encounter, but that’s different… It’s OK to berate your own culture and way of doing things, but you don’t like to hear outsiders do so. We can draw a parallel with this and how we feel about our families. We can criticize them all we want and do so very vocally but if anyone else does – watch out!
It is best to keep our opinions to ourselves when we are in the presence of Yucatecan friends and acquaintances. But sometimes, this is unavoidable; how can we state what we feel without coming across as rude? Let’s go back to the case of the fellow who needed 1¼ inch screws. Instead of criticizing the store (which was interpreted as a badmouthing the whole culture!) it would be better to ask,
“Hey, I tried to buy 1¼ inch screws the other day; the store I went to didn’t have them… where can I go?”
This may sound like taking things to ridiculous limits, but the sensitivity is there, and you have to work around it.
I’ve heard newcomers speak hotly and loudly about so many situations and circumstances they don’t understand and often they preface their complaint with,
“What’s the matter with these people / this country / this government …?”
Once I attended a concert that was quite late getting started… An English voice beside me exclaimed,
“Why can’t anything here ever start on time?”
All the Yucatecans in the vicinity had very offended looks on their faces; I was most uncomfortable, and the English-speaker was poised to continue with his commentary…
“Remember, lots of people here understand English; be careful what you say!” I whispered to him. To his credit, he kept quiet after that.
It’s also a good idea to refrain from speaking English loudly in public. Try not to call out at full volume when you see a friend down the isle of the grocery store. Neither should you laugh uproariously because those around will not understand the joke and could conclude you’re laughing at them. Yucatecans are not used to boisterous North American ways and after all, we are in their country…
Once in a while, you will probably encounter a Yucatecan with very strong opinions about “your” country. I have had this experience and I usually cut the comments off by saying,
“Let’s not confuse the politics with the people!”
This usually softens the attack, but if it doesn’t, I continue,
“As a foreigner here, I am not permitted to make political statements; I don’t want to create controversy, so let’s talk about something else.”
The bottom line is, that as transplants in Yucatan, we have to adjust our yardstick to the status-quo in Merida, and avoid making direct criticisms of everything that is not satisfactory to us. We need to include people and be sensitive to their needs. We need to be tolerant of what we encounter around us and save our evaluations until we are in the privacy of our own homes. This isn’t always easy, but if you can manage to adopt this behavior, you will be considered muy educado – well mannered. People will warm up to you and treat you with the same respect you’ve shown them.
Editor's Note: Joanna van der Gracht de Rosado is a writer from Vancouver, Canada who has been living in Merida, Yucatan for over 30 years. She is the author of Tomando Agua de Pozo (Taking Water from the Well), which recounts many of her experiences assimilating in Mexico. You can read her Yucatan Living interview here and visit her blog here.
Comments
Tonia Kimsey 15 years ago
Joanna.
Having lived 12 years in Mexico we know that your words and advice are so perfect. We must always remember we are guests in this country, and the people are very sensitive about comments from foreigners about their country, as people around the world all feel the same.
Mil Gracias
Tonia
Reply
Claudette 15 years ago
Joanna! What a wonderful article. It is obvious that I have much to learn. Your commentary on inclusion at any social situation is one I had never thought about and I'm still working on my greetings though. I feel a bit uncomfortable kissing and hugging strangers but I certainly dont want to come off as cold either. I'll have to work on that. :-)
You gave me much to think about. Beautiful job!
Reply
Valerie Pickles 15 years ago
moving from England to Canada many years ago I came across the same issues from the english ex pats community . Always complaining how things were done differently in England.. I used to get furious listening ,so much so that I retaliated very strongly on one occasion by saying then go back home!From then on I refused to socialize with most of the ex pats and engrossed myself in the life and culture of Canada and it became much more re warding.
AS to here in the Yucatan Mexico one has to learn to respect the ways and live with it ,participate and enjoy. Yes the people are heartwarming and welcoming .. remember you are a guest in their country so behave like you are a guest in someones house... respect. THank you Joanna for writing this article it was certainly needed and hope for many it will be a wake up call.
Reply
Lois Post 15 years ago
Thanks, Joanna and YL, for this great article. My husband chose to live in Merida 40 years ago precisely because the Yucatecos were and still are such a special people -- kind and honest. It's my home now, too, and I love living here. Complain? What's to complain about? Even with all the growth, it's still basically the same Merida that it was when it was a small "town" because the core of it is still friendly Yucatecan.
Reply
HEATHER RATH 15 years ago
I have read Joanna's Taking Water from the Well so she knows of what she writes.
Like others, I, have been embarrassed by the rude behaviour and insensitivity of permanent foreign arrivals in the Yucatan. Joanna's book, or at least this article, should be required reading for all these folks.
Reply
CasiYucateco 15 years ago
Facts versus opinions can be revealing.
From the (USA) National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism:
In 1990, 68.3 percent of whites, 64.5 percent of Hispanics, and 55.6 percent of blacks used alcohol (1).
From the (USA) Department of Justice:
The most common offense among white jail inmates was driving while intoxicated (DWI) or driving under the influence (DUI). An estimated 13% of white inmates, 7% of Hispanics, and 2% of blacks were in jail for DWI/DUI.
University of Texas, School of Public Health, 30 July 2004
Finally, it is important to comment on the finding that U.S.-born Hispanics are roughly three times more likely than Hispanics born abroad to engage in drinking and driving. .... it is also important to highlight that this finding goes against the common conception that Hispanics born abroad are more prone to engage in DUI-related behavior.
A US Department of Justice study ordered by a Federal court in Arizona revealed that high arrest rates among minorities was due to high incidence of racial profiling. That Hispanic and Native American drivers were stopped and searched much more frequently than White drivers, even though a much higher percentage of White drivers were either under the influence or transporting contraband.
Seems that Brenda's (race-based and recent immigration-based) claims do not hold up to scrutiny.
Reply
CasiYucateco 15 years ago
For Brenda
You know, this article is about the society and culture of Yucatan. It is not about the society and culture of all of Mexico, nor the behavior of homesick, lonely and oppressed Mexicans within the USA. Your commentary, which you've written elsewhere before, while possibly having some basis in experiences (but reasoning from the specific to the general is a logical fallacy), also smacks pretty strongly of both prejudice and scapegoating.
If you feel that Mexicans are so ... well ... awful ..., I am curious what your interest is in Merida, Yucatan, or Mexico, besides complaining about the Mexicans who, apparently, blight your life? Do you have anything good to say about Mexico, or do you simply wish to express your dislikes in a forum dedicated to building good relations and happy feelings?
Reply
Samuel Barrera 15 years ago
Brenda: spoiled children are everywhere. As a Mexican, I have been in your country (The U.S.) and witnessed horrible things spoiled children do. It isn't cultural, it is EDUCATIONAL, along with corruption, murder, money laundering... should I go on?
Reply
Joanna van der Gracht de Rosado 15 years ago
Thank you to everyone who made comments about my article on this website and to those who sent me direct e-mails. I am very gratified by such a positive response.
To Brenda in Texas, I did not mean to imply that Merida is the only place where people behave misguidedly. In every country we find those who are insensitive to the culture. And worse yet, to life threatening behavior...
It has been my observation that most of those who act inappropriately do so because they just don't think things through. A good rule to follow when you're in a foreign country is: watch the locals and do what they do.
Joanna
Reply
Sharron McGrath 15 years ago
After reading Joanna's article I have to admit how appalled I am at the insensitivity of some expats whom I expect would have the social finesse to know better. When people start to complain about how things are not as well/smartly/quickly/efficiently run as they are "back home" I cannot help but wonder is something or someone holding them prisoner in Merida - are they being locked up behind the beautiful wrought iron grilles of the city and forced to live here. Well, sorry no sympathy. If things are so wonderful "back home" then why on earth are you staying here - pack thy bags and get thee to the nearest airport as quickly as possible. I have done considerable travelling and immensely enjoyed all the cities I've visited but I have to admit Merida is the only city where I cried when I had to leave it which I must do again end May. But, to borrow a statement from the late (USA) General Douglas McArthur, I shall return.
Reply
Nancy H 15 years ago
Incredible article...thank you! I agree with Debbie so I will be forwarding this on to ensure every expat I know is educated!
Reply
« Back (10 to 21 comments)Next »